Once upon a time there was a double-crested cormorant (Order Suliformes) named Sully. Sully enjoyed eating trout, (order salmonidae, family salmoninae) listening to wait-wait-don’t-tell-me, and painting with water colors (the only medium he could utilize in his aquatic environment). Despite his low-domed cranium, Sully was an intelligent bird who prided himself in his imperforate external nares. Sully’s favorite televised cooking show was Iron Chef, and his favorite villain was Captain James Hook. Sully, with a hooked beak and lacking hands himself, felt that Hook was misunderstood and lacked guidance on how to live a hooky-hand-free lifestyle. He hoped to one day find the dreadful pirate and help him realize that despite his handicap, James could live a happy and productive life. Day after day, Sully swam the coast in search of the Jolly Roger and Captain Hook.
One day while he was thus engaged, Sully absentmindedly collided with a Podicipediform named Penelope. Penelope’s beautiful red eyes, that were highlighted by her narrow frontal bone and well supported despite the absence of the perpendicular plate of her ethmoid, instantly captured Sully’s attention. He stared unblinkingly at her (easy to do when your eyeballs are supported by schlerotic rings), completely speechless (probably because he lacked the physiological adaptations necessary for speech). disconcerted by the strangers unabashed stare, Penelope paddled her posteriorly oriented hind-limbs away. Her motion snapped Sully back to his senses. He paddled after her. A brief conversation in Grebe, Penelope’s native tongue, redeemed poor Sully a bit. Penelope found his awkwardness rather endearing and hoped that they could become allies (this is a pun, because allies also belong to the family suliformes). Sully hoped for a little bit more, but Penelope was in a committed, though somewhat dead-end relationship with a land-bird named Grupert.
Grupert was a crane operater (Cranes belong to the family Gruiformes). He was large and tough, with long slit like holes in his maxilla, and a sharp pointed beak. Grupert was into extreme sports and he and his loony friend Gavin (Loons belong to the family Gaviidae), spent long hours at the gym securing the muscle attachments to their cnemial processes. Grupert had long been dealing with some emotional issues with his shrink, a pelicaniformes named Roger. Roger had either a long pointed beak, a long straight beak, or a flat beak with a hook on the end, Grupert could never be sure. The length of the beak was undisputed however, and Roger liked to stick it in Gruperts business at every opportunity. He was especially concerned witht the relationship between Grupert and Penelope, convinced that their differences were far to pronounced and that Grupert was a Galliform(es) ( chicken, turkey) for staying with her when he wasn’t really in love. It was a relationship of convenience for both.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will her introduction to Sully the Suliform push Penelope further away from Grupert? Will Roger the Pelicaniform find the courage to stop being a galliform and advise his patient to do what’s best for him? Will Gavin ever find a lady even though he’s a complete Loon? What does Penelope like to do for fun? Will the 13 other bird species on the test be tangled into this nest of intrigue?
The answer to these questions and more will be answered in the next addition of Zooarchaeology Test.
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