In September, inspired by Alex the Russian Cycling Across the World, I started reading Tolstoi’s short stories. Recently I was reading his tale called “Efim and Elijah” when I wandered upon this profound passage. “I have never been sorry for anything in my life except for my sins. There is nothing worth troubling about except ones soul.” In a strangely comforting way these words have begun to wrap themselves around all aspects of my life. I’ll tell you how.
Everything came to a head when I was home for thanksgiving last semester. I spent days and days of thanksgiving break trying to talk myself out of strange and overwhelming anxieties about the life I was living. My body was tight and strained, exhausted and finished. I was completely occupied with an unnecessary and irrational fear of failing school. I had somehow talked myself into believing that all my opportunities in life were completely dependent upon not good, but perfect grades. I was completely obsessed, I would be baking pies in the kitchen and burst into hysterical tears over a little 20/25 scribbled on a piece of homework. It wasn’t cute. Eventually the break calmed me down. I had some lovely distractions and a great deal of delicious food and delightful company to distract me, but I still thought about my GPA before I went to sleep.
Also during thanksgiving break I got called to be a nursery leader in my church. I was not excited. I’ve always been pretty good with kids, but I’m not crazy about babies. I’m probably a little afraid of them. The idea of spending two hours each sunday playing patty-cake with 4-8 toddlers didn’t really make me feel better about the way my life was going. The first sunday in the nursery, I came home from church and lost it. I was furious, scared, and about 99% sure that there was some kind of mistake. As mormons we take our responsibilities at church pretty seriously, we believe they come from God and call them ‘callings’. But the first few weeks in nursery I was pretty sure that the communication lines were down between heaven and earth. The 1% of me that considered that nursery was the right place for me to be, was searching for a glimpse of silver lining, but I didn’t see it.
I finished out the semester with some divine aid and serious work. Somehow I managed to get a pretty little GPA (that frankly, surprised the heck out of me), vowed never to take 19 credits again, and tried to put some things in perspective. That takes me back to the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this tale. “There is nothing worth troubling about except ones soul.” Over the last few months I have considered those words and tried to trust them. I am beginning to realize that they’re true.
At first nursery was horrible. I left church feeling exhausted and irritated. But things have been improving. I’m learning to like it. One little girl named Eva is not super excited about nursery either, we bond over that. Every Sunday I read books to her and we eat goldfish together, those are good things. Part of my responsibility as a nursery leader is to give little lessons about Jesus and stuff. These lessons are the bare bones of our religion, the roots. I have enjoyed examining them, and imagining the kind of tree that ought to sprout from such fibers. Another good thing that has sprouted from this crazy situation, is oddly enough, an increased sense of spirituality. One might think that because I spend 2 hours at church baby-sitting instead of attending my meetings, I would not gain the spiritual fulfillment that those meetings are supposed to offer. Strangely, that is not the case. Instead I have found greater depth in my thoughts and understanding, and have come to know my soul in a new way. It is a gentle way, as if I am becoming friends with myself. School has changed too, I still work hard and stress a little, but I’m learning not to hold it constantly upon my shoulders. I am learning to stretch, try, work, chase toddlers, study, pray, feel, and release. “For there is nothing worth troubling about except ones soul.”
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