I’ve written before about my best friend Jessica who I met many years ago. Jessica and I have been incredibly fortunate to be best friends for about 17.5 years. We have also been unfortunate at times to live very far from one another, though this misfortune may also be portrayed as fortune as it forces us to become social and hang out with people who are not us. Each time we have lived apart we have been very faithful correspondents. I often read back through our old letters to reminisce and remember the fun of childhood and the horror of adolescence. I was recently perusing some letters from the spring months of the year two thousand and nine when I found myself laughing hysterically to myself over some of words we wrote. I shall share them with you now.
About the boys who attended my high school- “I bet when they grow up, they won’t have teeth”
About the sopranos at Delta County Choirfest – “They have bad B.O. and clap in my ears”
About Zack Fish, the boy I was absolutely smitten with -”He is tall and he has dark skin and dark hair that sticks up in all directions, and his teeth have endearing little gaps….Oh man.. I’m gonna make myself throw up.”
A quote from Jessica- “When it comes to guys I am a total, inexperienced, idiotic, chicken”
Another Jessica quote – ” I had a dream last night that I had to strangle Ashley because she turned Harry Potter against me.”
A business idea from me “We can make people pay us to take them into the wilderness then we can throw mud at them and swear that it is an important detoxifying process”
Me – “I had a talk in sacrament today. I got so nervous that I almost passed out. My skirt didn’t help ease my anxiety because my butt feels unreasonably small today, and my skirt kept feeling like it was going to fall off even though I KNOW that it fits me perfectly.”
I love looking back on the thousands of words Jessica and I have exchanged tracking the changes. It is interesting to compare which parts of us change and which parts remain steady and natural.
I have been thinking about change very much lately. I am moving to Salt Lake City in a few short weeks, and it is interesting to imagine how my life will change and how it will stay the same. I am one who both craves and fears change. In a way, I crave the fear that change brings. I like to be uncertain. I like to wonder where I will purchase my groceries, and whether or not I am on the correct street. I like change because it makes me feel brave and it makes me uncertain. Living in an unchanging state does not allow for bravery or uncertainty, and both those elements are required for personal growth. As I get older it becomes increasingly clear that change is a choice, and that even little changes can enrich life. Big changes can turn the world upside down and that allows for previously unseen perspectives. So pretty much, I am ready for this change that is happening in my life, even though it feels a little strange and fast.
I have to go now.
I have letters to write.
Part II
I haven’t written anything in a while, and I think I’ve figured out why. I am uncertian.
At the end of August I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah. That is kind of a big deal. I spent almost the first whole week panicking. I was confused about why I decided it was a good idea to leave my awesome friends and the fascinating town of Durango for a huge, new, lonely city. I have a great deal of family here in Salt Lake, and when I think rationally there are many reasons why I decided to relocate myself here, but I only listen to the rational part of myself about 39% of the time. The first week I was here in Salt Lake I listened to the rational part of me about 2.9% of the time. Rationality was grossly unrepresented for that short period, and I regret that sad truth. Being unreasonable doesn’t make life any easier. After the terror subsided I remembered some of the reasons I decided to move here and began exploring. I have now been experimenting with this great city for almost two months. I have taken myself to watch independent films at funky out-of-the-way-theaters, scoped out parks, compared cafe’s, wandered aimlessly, and struck up many compelling conversations with fellow travelers on public transportation. I have lost and found myself almost three times each day. I have mastered the pep talk that I have to give myself every time I enter a social situation, made some truly lovely friends, and lost quite a substantial amount of my certainty. I think it was the loss of certainty that propelled me into such a state of distress when I first moved here. I was not certain who my friends were, what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to like, who I was supposed to be, or why the heck I even came here. I still don’t know all those things, but I am coming to grips with the mystery of it all. Life here is not comfortable yet. It takes a lot of work to make friends and build a life and a routine in a new place. I romanticized that process in my head before I came here. I wandered the streets of Durango and complained to myself that I saw nothing new. I imagined that I was so comfortable in my life that I was past feeling, and that thrusting myself into a new environment would awaken my senses and my sense of adventure. When I started this blog I wanted to convince my readers that adventure can happen to any person at any time. All one has to do is desire it, recognize the wonder and mystery of the world and suddenly everything will be noteworthy. For a while I forgot that adventure is stressful and that adventures always look more fun in hindsight or typed out on a page.
Now, I don’t want you running away with the idea that I am not happy here. I am quite content, but I am stretching. I am stretching my arms to reach endless books on towering shelves that I read for my classes. I am stretching my legs as I wander the streets in curiosity. I am stretching my hands into the hands of others. Really, I am stretching all of myself to many corners of this city in the hope that with this new found flexibility I will be better able to cope with uncertainty.
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