Uphill

This post is about my commute.

My house is situated behind an elementary school, next to a river (note the house.. I don't live in a van). Every day I ride my bike to school. The first 2.5 miles are hilly. The pavement rises and falls, winding through neighborhoods and briefly passing through downtown. The last mile is difficult. Some (I) might describe it as a ferocious hill of death. There are three ways up it, each provides a unique challenge: one is extremely steep and windy, one is long and very steep, and another is medium short and steep followed by a gradual climb for an additional bonus mile.
All semester I've been waiting for the special day when it's not hard to climb the hill. All semester my legs have been pushing down the pedals and sweat has been forming on my forehead. All semester I've been pushing myself up the hill and not once has it been easy. Not once.

Many parts of my life have been steep these last few months. I have struggled through this term. School, social life, work, art, none of it has been simple. I have been pedaling uphill, sweating, hurting. At many times I have felt disconnected and despondent. This is not very much like me. I love to feel love for what I'm doing, who I'm with, the world that I see. I haven't felt that love much lately. I chase it along the trails that wind around this town, and sometimes I find it and settle into it on the top of mountains, but it doesn't always follow me home.  Sometimes I find it in my dear friends, but when they leave it goes with them. I don't understand why I feel this way. I have innumerable blessings, but sometimes knowing that makes me feel worse. I think, "my life is so easy, why do I feel so sad?"

Here's another thing about my commute.

When I get to the top of the hill, I'm at school. If I look around I can see the San Juan mountains in the distance, the Weminuche wilderness, and rolling ridges toward New Mexico.There are mountains on every side. It is beautiful and vast. I am surrounded by mountains, where love is. There is always a top to the hill, every single time. There is a top to that hill, and another side, and another hill. This life is just like a crazy bike ride across the universe. A crazy bike ride where you pedal and pedal up hill after hill and roll down, coasting across the flatlands to another hill to climb, fly, climb, fly, coast, climb, fly!

I can see the top of the hill. My legs are strong. My lungs are working. My heart is pulsing. I can see the top of the hill, where I can finally settle into love.